The triad in adoption is composed of the child, the birth parents and the adoptive parents. Whether the adoption is open or closed, whether the child lived with the birth parents for part of their life or was placed with the adoptive parents at birth - the birth family is an integral part of any adoption.
While we have no contact with birth mom we talk about her on a regular basis and always in a positive manner. There are pictures of her in the house, we talk about her at holidays and whenever junior mentions her. We answer questions in a way that he can understand and process. I imagine that as he gets older the conversations and questions will change. What won't change is the attitude in which we answer the questions and provide information.
We will provide the facts as we know them. We don't know everything but what we do know is that his birth mother loved him very much and did the best she could, but sometimes that isn't enough. We know to never speak in a negative manner about her and to let him know it is OK to think about and talk about her. This isn't a case of us against her and he can never think that.
It is next to impossible to predict when questions will arise. For me they always seem to come out of the blue and most often when we are driving or right before bed. The bedtime I understand, the car I don't but it is not my job to figure out why, only to respond in a consistent manner.
I am more than OK sharing a space in his heart with his birth mom. We both love him fiercely and want what is best for him. This isn't a contest as to who he loves more, if it becomes a contest we will all lose.