Thursday, October 29, 2015

The Dark Side

There is a dark side to adoption that I talk about at times but not often.   We are currently experiencing one of those periods and are feeling deflated and thinking that moving was the worse thing we could have done for junior.   As a parent that is a horrible feeling to have.   We want to help him but just don’t know how. 

School has become a major trigger for Jr and a nightmare for us.  He has a diagnosis of PTSD and in all environments except his current school he is fine.  For some reason school is triggering him and he is deteriorating.   We have come to the decision that we can’t continue to send him to school as he isn’t safe there.   I don’t know what we are going to do but when I got the call today that he ran out of the school and almost got hit by a car we knew that there is no way we can send him back there. 

First I want to say that I don’t fault the staff at the school, they have been very supportive but there have been extenuating circumstances in his classroom – within 6 weeks he has had 3 different teachers.

PTSD isn’t the worst diagnosis in the world but there is no easy cure for it.  Not that there is an easy cure for other diagnoses.   I am so thankful we have a support system in place to help us navigate this but that doesn’t make it easier if he doesn’t talk about what is happening.   I am so thankful that he shows remorse and trusts new adults that have entered his life with the move, like his new counselor and our new nanny.   He is sharing information with them and us which is huge but it hasn’t lead to an answer for any of us.   We have a pediatrician that specializes in adoption and when I called them today to get an appointment they found a time earlier than what was originally suggested by the front desk and at the asked what they can do to support us in the next week before his appointment.  

I was travelling for work this week which isn’t unusual but it does make it so much harder.   When my manager heard what was happening she asked me why I hadn’t gone home immediately.   And no the behaviors aren’t occurring just because I was gone –it started last week.   We have hired a fabulous nanny/family assistant and junior has bonded with her and she has been a savior this week.  I hope she isn’t scared off by this turn of events. 

We knew that moving wasn’t going to be easy, it is just horrible to feel like this is the worst decision we could have made.   Yes it is what is best for our family in the long term and I know that, yet I can’t stop that little voice in my head that is telling me if we stayed in Colorado he would be better.   Many people we talked to said that the move might be really good for junior as it gave him a fresh start – little did we know we were walking into a land mine at school.  

I don’t know where we go from here – home schooling, private school, or something else. 

Monday, October 5, 2015

In the blink of an eye

It is hard to believe that 1 year ago today we headed up a mountain, packed up three cars and came home with junior.  Life as we knew it would never be the same, and I love it.  Before we got in the car he asked us what he should call us, we told him that he could call us whatever he was comfortable.  On the drive down he was talking non-stop, telling stories and he said something about mom.  I didn't respond and he then tells me "I said mom and you didn't answer."  Uh-oh, I thought I just blew it.   I didn't hear him call me mom for about 2 months after that. Luckily he didn't hold that against me forever.

The last year has not been easy and there were times along the way that I wasn't sure we had made the right decision and if we would make it.  Thanks to an amazing team of people, our therapists, social workers, GAL, teachers & aides, and the support and encouragement from our family and friends we did.

When we have setbacks at school or he almost got kicked out of camp it is hard to not focus on the negatives; I just have to keep remembering the progress he has made.   Hearing from a previous foster mom that he looks happier than she has ever seen him, or having a friend tell me how nice it is that he now plays on his own instead of having to be constantly entertained remind me that we have come a long way.

This last week hasn't been an easy one, I realized that not only is it the anniversary of his becoming part of our family and his birthday, this also marks the 2 year mark since he last saw his birth mom.   Even though we don't talk about the anniversaries it seems he instinctively know.  There have been a lot of questions lately about his birth mom, tears over how unfair life is, and questions to other moms about whether their children grew in their tummies as he tries to process everything that is going on.

We remind him that he is a very special boy - he has 4 moms and 3 dads that love him and want what's best for him and he is just like Superman.