ABCs of Adoption: Summary

Setting out to do 27 blog posts in 30 days may seem easy, but I just barely squeezed them all in.   Some of these were easy to write, some were emotionally difficult to write, some letters it was hard to choose what to write about as there were so many options, other letters I had a difficult time coming up with a topic.  Dave asked me if I felt like a cheated by using Xmas for X - nope not at all! With all the posts I tried to give an honest representation and share the good along with the not so good.

 Here are links to all the posts with an added bonus of Dave's version at the end.

A is for Attachment
B is for Birthfamily 
C is for Counseling
D is for Doubt
E is for Emotions
F is for Finances
G is for Grief
H is for Happiness
I is for Independence
J is for Judge
K is for Karate
L is for Lucky
M is for Mistakes
N is for Nature Vs Nurture
O is for Open
P is for Patience
Q is for Questions
R is for Respite
S is for Superheroes
T is for Trauma
U is for Unexpected
V is for Victory
W is for Whining
X is for Xmas
Y is for Yes
Z is for ZZZZ

When I would sit down to write Dave would try and guess what the topic of the post was going to be.   I have to say, he was never once correct.   One evening after a beer or 3 we decided it would be entertaining for Dave to come up with his version of the ABCs of adoption.  Maybe it was just the beer talking but I transcribed his musings.   (I also stole one of his ideas for an actual post).

A is for asshole.  Sometimes it is you, sometimes it is somebody else, but somebody is always an asshole, more often than not it’s the cat.

B is for beer.  Before kids I had to sneak beers during the week now nobody cares if I drink during the day.

C is for Cheerios.   I expected many more Cheerios in the house with a child.   For my first 15 years of life there were always Cheerios around.

D is for dark.  That is when you sleep.

E is for elphabet.   That may not be how you spell it but that’s ok.

F is for Fat.  Well that is what the kid says I am.

F is for Fear.   I am feeling the fear.  

F is for F*#!  I already put an F down.  Note from Dawn see E Dave doesn’t even know how to spell alphabet, how can he be expected to get the alphabet correct.

G is for God.   There is none. 

H is for help.  You need lots of it.  

I is for Iowa State. I don’t know why. 

J is for Just in Time training.  That’s how your adoption training is you get taught just as it’s too late.

K is for kid.   The word I use when not wanting to refer to the child by name.  

L is for lost.   I was thinking of the TV show but I haven’t seen that in quite a while.   Lost for answers.

M is for mom, mom, mom, mom, mom.  Over and over again, then repeat. 

N is for nonsense.  There’s a lot of nonsense.

O is for Oh my God!  The only reasonable response to most things.

P is for please.  Constantly asking for things to be asked for with the word please, no matter how ridiculous.   Insist that please be tacked onto everything.

Q is for quiet.  Never happens.  When it does it's awesome or terrifying.

R is for repetitive.  Definitely repetitive.  Did I say repetitive yet?

S is for Super Mario Bros.  One thing we can agree on. 

T is for Time for Bed.  That’s a good time. Which isn’t far separated from my bedtime. 

U is for Uranus but that doesn’t help.  Other than Uranus what starts with U.

V is for violence.  Avoid if possible.

W is for wimpy.   Try to avoid wimpiness.

X is for XXX.   No more x rated action. 

Y is for yes.  Occasionally an answer but rarely.

Z is for zoo.   No reason, or because we live by one, or do we live in one.  Nobody ever knows. 

ABCs of Adoption: Z is for ZZZZ

People sometimes ask what we miss the most about our pre-kid days.  For me, it is the ability to sleep.    I am a person that needs 8 hours of sleep a night in order to feel refreshed.   The last time that happened was on a business trip a month ago.   Unfortunately once I wake up I have a hard time going back to sleep.  For the last month junior hasn't been sleeping well, which has definitely had a impact on us.   He would wake up around 4 AM and come tell us he had a nightmare and couldn't go back to sleep.

 Nightmares are to be expected but I quickly saw a difference and realized that some nights he had nightmares and other nights he just woke up to go to the bathroom and wanted me to put him back to bed.   Nights where he had a nightmare I would hear him jump out of bed and coming running into our room.   He stood by the edge of the bed shaking and found it hard to talk.   I could relatively easily get him back to bed and then I would lie awake.   Nights he was just awake, he would go to the bathroom first and then casually come into our room, going back to sleep was not in the cards for either of us on these nights.    Over the last week he has been sleeping through the night which is great. I still am having a hard time making it through the night without waking up.

With his sleeping trouble over the last month he has also started to nap.   For a year he has only napped if he was sick or after a long plane trip but now they seem to be a regular occurrence.   He naps in the car, on the couch, and today he managed to take a nap at Century Link Stadium.   This last one perplexes me.  Century Link is not a quiet stadium and I was a bit worried about how he would react to the noise.   We gave him ear plugs and he still was having a hard time with the noise, I was afraid I was going to have to leave.  He decided to cover up under a blanket (a strategy he uses at home when he is overwhelmed or upset).  A few minutes later I took a peek and he was sound asleep.  I guess his bodies need to escape the noise at the stadium took over and he was able to sleep.  After that he managed to stay until the end of the 3rd quarter.

I am hoping that sleeping patterns return to normal for all of us soon.   And then when he hits the teenage years I can once again lose sleep at night but for different reasons.

ABCs of Adoption: Y is for Yes

This is a word that I seem to use very infrequently.  I wish I could use it more often but that is just not possible.   There are days when it seems like the only word I say is no.  

• No, you can't wear shorts out, it is 40 degrees outside. 
• No, you can't put a hat on the dog. 
• No, you can't watch TV all day. 
• No, the doctor did not tell you I should let you use the tablet more often. 
• No, you can't drive the car.  
• No, you can't play with fire.   
• No, you can't have a sister or brother.
• No, a sugar glider would not make a good pet.
• No, you can't build a robot to do your chores for you.  

We don't want to be the parents that always say yes but boy it sure seems like sometimes we never do.  I'm sure some of the requests come from testing limits and boundaries, while others are due to him just being a 7 year old boy.  

I read an article recently from a mom about what would happen if you spent the day saying yes to whatever your child asked and the thought of this filled me with dread.  The idea of a "yes-day" while in concept makes sense, wouldn't work for us.   Junior needs predictability and structure, we are also constantly having to remind him that he is not in charge, giving him a day where anything goes would not end well.   Junior can't wait until he is a grown up and he can do whatever he wants and doesn't have to listen to anybody - good luck kid.   As time goes on, maybe we can give him a yes day but for now  we will stick with the choruses of nos.  

ABCs of Adodption: X is for Xmas

Throw out any concept you have of holidays, kids have their own ideas.    Last year I was looking forward to taking junior to visit Santa, he unfortunately had no interest in going.   I didn't push it, and I wasn't willing to force him to do something that might cause anxiety for him or result in an epic meltdown.   I remembered as a child being so excited to go see and Santa to tell him what I wanted, for junior he just wasn't interested. 

On Christmas morning I expected him to come running into our room at an early hour, excited to rip into his presents.  The reality was Christmas morning was just like every other morning, he woke up at his normal hour, came into our room and cuddled.   We had to ask him if he wanted to go see what Santa brought.   

My only guess is that he had previously been disappointed at Christmas so he wasn't getting his hopes up.   We had learned from his birthday a few months before that the number of presents was much more important than what he received so we made sure he had lots of little presents to open.   He was much more excited on Easter than he was on Christmas.  

This year is a little different.   He has already visited Santa and I got the picture I was hoping for.   His list of what he wants is much longer than last year and more keeps getting added to it every day. Christmas morning will be a little different though since we will be on a cruise.   Last year we started what will hopefully become a tradition of  going on a family vacation.  Last year we left the day after Christmas, this year we will actually be away on Christmas Day.  We are preparing him that Santa can't bring many presents to him on the boat, most of his presents will be at home waiting for him when we return.   We will see how this works out. 

We are trying to also teach him that Christmas is about giving to others.  We donate food and toys to the animal shelter, he loves this as he gets to visit with the cats and dogs there.  We also purge his closet and toys and donate those, in the past we took the items to Goodwill.  This year and going forward we will be bringing items to Treehouse for Kids an organization that helps kids in foster care.   Given that junior spent 3 years in foster care we want to be able to give back to other kids like him.   

ABCs of Adoption: W is for Whining

It seems like not a day goes by without somebody whining - sometime it's the child and sometimes it's the adults.   Trying to figure out what is causing the whining and how to get it to stop is a mystery.  Sometimes the whining is legitimate and sometimes we are truly puzzled.   Last week junior was looking through catalogs and saw an advent calendar, this led to him immediately asking for it.   I told him we bought him a Lego advent calendar which led to lots of whining that he didn't want a Lego one and it was stupid, he hated the one we got him last year, etc.   In this case I just chose to ignore the whining.  

Whining is common with toddlers and pre-schoolers but we have a 7 year old, shouldn't the whining stage be over by now.   While in calendar months he is 7, but emotionally he has regressed and is acting more like a 3-5 year old.  Regression is common and can actually be seen as a good thing in the long run.   Junior has gone back to a time in his life when his needs weren't being met and is reliving that time.   This allows the brain to rewire itself and for him to heal.   I comprehend this but it doesn't make it easier to deal with the constant whining. 

Often there is no logic to the whining, we try to let him know that we hear him but that doesn't change our answer.  Instead of battling the whining we are letting him learn from natural consequences:

• He whines that it's not cold and he doesn't need to wear a coat.  Fine he can go outside without one, he then realizes that it is cold and he should have listened to us and put on a coat.   
• He whines that he doesn't want to wash his hands before helping cook dinner, I start without him and he then misses out on helping. 

 I tend to counter the whining with wine for me.   

ABCs of Adoption: V is for Victory

With what may seem like endless amounts of setbacks it is important to celebrate the victories, however small they may be.   Finding the positives at times can be challenging, but without them it is hard to see the light of day at times.  Some of the small victories we have celebrated recently:

• Junior didn't wake us up until 5:45 AM.  I would much rather sleep another hour or two, but this is so much better than being woken up at 2, 3 and 4 AM.   
• We get daily progress reports or point sheets from school.  At the beginning of the year junior was earning only 10-20% of the available points.  When he got to 50% it was cause for  huge celebrations.
• Junior played independently by himself for 30 minutes.  

These may not seem like much but they are signs of progress and we are trying to focus on the positives.   A year ago junior couldn't go more than 5 minutes without needing us for some reason, and asking him to play by himself was impossible - last weekend we asked for 30 minutes of quiet time and we got 40!   We were thrilled.

The look on junior's face when we tell him how proud we are or make a big deal out of what may seem to us as a small accomplishment is worth it.  While he isn't composing sonatas at 7 years old or starting his own company he has come so far in the last year and that is cause for huge celebrations.  

ABCs of Adoption: U is for Unexpected

   Learn to expect  the unexpected, especially where children are concerned.   Going into the adoption process I wasn't sure what to expect and I can't say whether the experience met my expectations.   There are definitely things I expected, but there have also been some curve balls along the way.  

One of the biggest surprises for me though was the reactions from others I have shared our journey with.   I write this blog mostly for me as a way to process information and events, and to share details with our friends and family.  I don't have a huge following and I don't do anything to develop one.  I try to share the good along with the bad while still maintaining some level of privacy.   What I didn't expect when starting this was to become an inspiration or role model for others.  The first time I had somebody tell me they made the decision to foster to adopt based on information I shared with them I didn't know how to respond.  This information came after a rough patch and to know that my venting could inspire others was shocking.   I figured my ranting would scare people away not make them want to follow in our footsteps.   

It catches me off guard when somebody who has read my blog or who I have spoken to in person tells me that they admire or respect what we are doing and how adoption has touched their lives.   Part of me feels we are just like any parents - we have good days and bad days, we love our child, teach him right from wrong, try to protect him and we will fight for him to get what he needs to be successful.   Then a friend reminds me that no, not all parents meet the above description.  

Parenthood is hard.  It doesn't matter if you are a biological parent, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step parent; you may have become a parent for the first time as a teenager or in your 40s , we are all part of the same club and we all should be admired and respected for taking on the tough challenge of raising children.