Grief and loss is a large part of adoption for the adoptees, the birth parents and the adoptive parents. Many people reach the decision to adopt after experiencing miscarriages or infertility. Taking time to grieve the loss of not having biological children is necessary to be ready to adopt.
Adoptees all experience grief and loss. The level of grief will vary based on individual experiences, but even children adopted at birth will grieve for their birth family at various times throughout their life. Grief is tricky and tends to rear its head at inopportune times.
It can seem like a child is trying to sabotage birthdays, holidays or other special occasions. When in fact they are overwhelmed by feelings of grief. Anybody that has experienced the loss of a loved one will know how hard it is when certain dates on the calendar approach. The same grief is experienced by adoptees as they grieve the loss of families they lived with or never knew. For children in foster care that have had multiple placements the grief can be compounded with every move.
Grief in children can look very different to grief in adults and may seem more like anger or defiance. As a parent it is difficult to see your child in pain and the gut reaction is to try and fix it to make it go away. However in this case it isn't something that can be fixed, the loss that is felt will never go away. It may lessen over time and he may learn to express it in different ways, but this will always be a part of who he is. I can't begin to understand the sense of grief and loss he feels, all I can do is wipe the tears away, hug him and tell him it is ok to feel these things and agree that life is not fair.
Saturday, November 7, 2015
Friday, November 6, 2015
ABCs of Adoption: F is for Finances
Dave looked at me and said "You're on F, I bet I can guess what it is." No Dave I don't swear (at least not that often). While yes the F-bomb is a potential topic for F, I went a different route.
Many people shy away from adoption as they are concerned about the financial aspect of it Infant and international adoptions can cost families over $20K. Foster to adopt is a much less expensive route to adoption. If you work directly with the state or county the cost can be next to nothing, if you work with a private agency the costs will be a couple thousand dollars.
When we were first referred to a private agency by the county I was hesitant as I equated private agency with big bucks and I wasn't prepared for that. Luckily as we researched the private agency we realized that the cost weren't astronomical. After the finalization the county reimbursed some of the expenses we incurred becoming certified as foster parents.
The costs we incurred were:
Many people shy away from adoption as they are concerned about the financial aspect of it Infant and international adoptions can cost families over $20K. Foster to adopt is a much less expensive route to adoption. If you work directly with the state or county the cost can be next to nothing, if you work with a private agency the costs will be a couple thousand dollars.
When we were first referred to a private agency by the county I was hesitant as I equated private agency with big bucks and I wasn't prepared for that. Luckily as we researched the private agency we realized that the cost weren't astronomical. After the finalization the county reimbursed some of the expenses we incurred becoming certified as foster parents.
The costs we incurred were:
- First aid/CPR certification
- Training
- Home Study
- Networking
The first three are required if going through a private agency or the county/state; the last one is what we got from going with a private agency. Without the networking aspect, I don't feel we would have been matched with junior. The cost was minimal for what we got in return.
The other more controversial aspect of foster to adopt is the subsidy that foster families receive. Hearing news stories or comments about how people only take on foster kids in order to make money makes my blood boil. The subsidy is designed to reimburse the foster parents for childcare expenses. But, the amount spent on food, clothing, child care, activities, etc is more than the subsidy covers.
Post adoption we continue to receive a subsidy for junior's care. This subsidy does not cover the out of pocket expenses for counseling or the fact that we may have to send him to a private school that can address his anxiety and PTSD. We are grateful for the subsidy, but we will not be able to retire early as a result of this.
Thursday, November 5, 2015
ABCs of Adoption: E is for Emotions
If you ever want to go on an emotional roller coaster then adopt a child. The number of emotions you feel while going through the process and then after is immense. Here's a brief list of some of the emotions felt before being placed:
- Anxiety
- Frustration
- Worry
- Doubt
- Excitement
- Relief
After being placed in addition to all of the above there is also:
- Awe
- Love
- Dread
- Grief
- Helpless
- Hopeful
- Vulnerable
- Surprised
- Amused
- Proud
- Annoyed
- Anger
- Scared
It is possible within a brief period of time to feel all of these or go from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows.
A few weeks ago I got a call from school at the start of the day, the day after a very bad day at school. The dread seeing the caller ID was followed quickly by relief and surprise when I was told junior wanted some words of encouragement from me. We had a brief conversation and I sent an email to Dave saying how proud I was that he asked to call for me and I was hopeful that it would be a good day. Fast forward 45 minutes and another call from the school and all those emotions are gone and the only thing left is feeling helpless and frustrated.
The one constant through all of these emotions is love. While there are days that we are frustrated, annoyed, angry and hearing shouts of "I hate you" we continue to love this little boy. We tell him that while we don't like the way he is acting and are upset we still love him.
Wednesday, November 4, 2015
ABCs of Adoption: D is for Doubt
Doubting decisions is common, some people may be more prone to second guessing decisions than others. For parents I think this is even more common. One thing that many adoptive families don't talk about are the doubts they have about whether they made the right decision to adopt and whether the child is the right one for them.
This is hard to say but there was a time during the process that we weren't sure whether we were making the right decision. We were open and honest with our team about what was going on, we spoke to our counselors about it and we asked to delay setting a date for the finalization.
It turns out that these types of doubts are common in adoption. In some cases it can lead to a disrupted placement, this usually happens when the adoptive parents don't tell anybody about the doubts they are feeling. In our case we shared our concerns and were made to feel like this is normal, we were offered help and we moved forward.
The doubts still exist, especially in the face of the challenges we are facing at school. Did we make the right decision moving to Seattle, should we have left him in his neighborhood school here, can we help junior manage his PTSD. I try to be optimistic but at times it is hard and I feel defeated. Will I give up, no. I need to learn to be better about sharing my doubts and fears with others as I know I am not alone, but sometimes that isn't the easiest thing to do.
Tuesday, November 3, 2015
ABCs of Adoption: C is for Counseling
Counseling can be a critical part of adoption for the parents and the child. Counseling can help children deal with trauma and loss, it can help parents and children attach and it can give parents a safe outlet to talk about their anxieties and fears.
At one point during the adoption process we were working with three counselors - one for the whole family, one for junior, and one for us. This may seem like a lot but each three served different purposes and helped us in different ways. After travel time to and from appointments was factored in we were spending between 7-8 hours a week in therapy.
adop
Finding a therapist that specializes in adoption and attachment is not an easy task. Trying to find one that takes Medicaid is even harder. Medicaid is a benefit that some adoptees are eligible for, while in foster care all children receive Medicaid. To me it would make sense that therapists with adoption and foster care specialties would accept Medicaid but that is not the case. In the end it was more important for us to have counselors with the specialization than to have one that took Medicaid.
When we moved, one of the first tasks on my to-do list was to get junior set up with a new counselor. This included countless phone calls to organizations looking for referrals. I felt like I was being given the run around or hitting a dead end. I don't even remember what agencies I called and how I ended up getting the referral to our current therapist. What I do know is that I am thankful that we found her. She has been able to provide us with referrals to support groups and a pediatrician that specializes in adoption.
We fully expect to continue seeing counselors for years. It may not be continuous, we may only need to check in on a monthly or quarterly basis but through the years there will be different issues that get raised which need to be addressed.
At one point during the adoption process we were working with three counselors - one for the whole family, one for junior, and one for us. This may seem like a lot but each three served different purposes and helped us in different ways. After travel time to and from appointments was factored in we were spending between 7-8 hours a week in therapy.
adop
Finding a therapist that specializes in adoption and attachment is not an easy task. Trying to find one that takes Medicaid is even harder. Medicaid is a benefit that some adoptees are eligible for, while in foster care all children receive Medicaid. To me it would make sense that therapists with adoption and foster care specialties would accept Medicaid but that is not the case. In the end it was more important for us to have counselors with the specialization than to have one that took Medicaid.
When we moved, one of the first tasks on my to-do list was to get junior set up with a new counselor. This included countless phone calls to organizations looking for referrals. I felt like I was being given the run around or hitting a dead end. I don't even remember what agencies I called and how I ended up getting the referral to our current therapist. What I do know is that I am thankful that we found her. She has been able to provide us with referrals to support groups and a pediatrician that specializes in adoption.
We fully expect to continue seeing counselors for years. It may not be continuous, we may only need to check in on a monthly or quarterly basis but through the years there will be different issues that get raised which need to be addressed.
Monday, November 2, 2015
ABC's of Adoption: B is for Birthfamily
The triad in adoption is composed of the child, the birth parents and the adoptive parents. Whether the adoption is open or closed, whether the child lived with the birth parents for part of their life or was placed with the adoptive parents at birth - the birth family is an integral part of any adoption.
While we have no contact with birth mom we talk about her on a regular basis and always in a positive manner. There are pictures of her in the house, we talk about her at holidays and whenever junior mentions her. We answer questions in a way that he can understand and process. I imagine that as he gets older the conversations and questions will change. What won't change is the attitude in which we answer the questions and provide information.
We will provide the facts as we know them. We don't know everything but what we do know is that his birth mother loved him very much and did the best she could, but sometimes that isn't enough. We know to never speak in a negative manner about her and to let him know it is OK to think about and talk about her. This isn't a case of us against her and he can never think that.
It is next to impossible to predict when questions will arise. For me they always seem to come out of the blue and most often when we are driving or right before bed. The bedtime I understand, the car I don't but it is not my job to figure out why, only to respond in a consistent manner.
I am more than OK sharing a space in his heart with his birth mom. We both love him fiercely and want what is best for him. This isn't a contest as to who he loves more, if it becomes a contest we will all lose.
While we have no contact with birth mom we talk about her on a regular basis and always in a positive manner. There are pictures of her in the house, we talk about her at holidays and whenever junior mentions her. We answer questions in a way that he can understand and process. I imagine that as he gets older the conversations and questions will change. What won't change is the attitude in which we answer the questions and provide information.
We will provide the facts as we know them. We don't know everything but what we do know is that his birth mother loved him very much and did the best she could, but sometimes that isn't enough. We know to never speak in a negative manner about her and to let him know it is OK to think about and talk about her. This isn't a case of us against her and he can never think that.
It is next to impossible to predict when questions will arise. For me they always seem to come out of the blue and most often when we are driving or right before bed. The bedtime I understand, the car I don't but it is not my job to figure out why, only to respond in a consistent manner.
I am more than OK sharing a space in his heart with his birth mom. We both love him fiercely and want what is best for him. This isn't a contest as to who he loves more, if it becomes a contest we will all lose.
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Adoption ABCs: A is for Attachment
In honor of National Adoption Month I plan on starting and hopefully completing the ABCs of Adoption blog series. There are 30 days in the month and 26 letters in the alphabet, that should get me enough time.
I know that adoption starts with A but that is too obvious. For me attachment is the bigger A word in adoption. Attachment is defined as the ability to form a connection with another individual of significance. Attachment is not a given, it takes time and in some instances it doesn't occur.
Whether attachment occurs is probably the biggest worry of adoptive parents no matter which form of adoption the child comes to a family through. The concern goes both ways "Will I be able to attach to my child" and "Will my child attach to us." If there are already children in the home, whether biological or adoptive, questions on whether the children will attach and bond to each other may also be raised.
Many children from trauma backgrounds get diagnosed with attachment disorders, which can be a very scary situation. They are averse to touch of any kind, avoid eye contact, or will seem to form bonds with complete strangers instead of their primary caregiver. After years of abuse and neglect children can build barriers to protect themselves and learn not to trust. Children may also feel a sense of loyalty to their birth parents which prevents them from forming an attachment.
We have been fortunate in that junior has formed an attachment to us. We openly talk about his birth mom and encourage him to do so. We let him decide what to call us and the day he decided we were mom and dad was a very memorable day.
However we do still hear on occasion
"You're not my real mom."
"I want to be un-adopted."
"I didn't choose you."
"I miss my mommy."
"You're the worst family ever."
Does this mean he hasn't attached to us - no. Does it still sting - yes. At some point after these outbursts he comes to us for hugs and cuddles, apologizing saying he didn't really mean the things he said. Attachment during adoption can be a lifelong issue or for some families it may not be an issue at all.
Resources regarding attachment in adoption
I know that adoption starts with A but that is too obvious. For me attachment is the bigger A word in adoption. Attachment is defined as the ability to form a connection with another individual of significance. Attachment is not a given, it takes time and in some instances it doesn't occur.
Whether attachment occurs is probably the biggest worry of adoptive parents no matter which form of adoption the child comes to a family through. The concern goes both ways "Will I be able to attach to my child" and "Will my child attach to us." If there are already children in the home, whether biological or adoptive, questions on whether the children will attach and bond to each other may also be raised.
Many children from trauma backgrounds get diagnosed with attachment disorders, which can be a very scary situation. They are averse to touch of any kind, avoid eye contact, or will seem to form bonds with complete strangers instead of their primary caregiver. After years of abuse and neglect children can build barriers to protect themselves and learn not to trust. Children may also feel a sense of loyalty to their birth parents which prevents them from forming an attachment.
We have been fortunate in that junior has formed an attachment to us. We openly talk about his birth mom and encourage him to do so. We let him decide what to call us and the day he decided we were mom and dad was a very memorable day.
However we do still hear on occasion
"You're not my real mom."
"I want to be un-adopted."
"I didn't choose you."
"I miss my mommy."
"You're the worst family ever."
Does this mean he hasn't attached to us - no. Does it still sting - yes. At some point after these outbursts he comes to us for hugs and cuddles, apologizing saying he didn't really mean the things he said. Attachment during adoption can be a lifelong issue or for some families it may not be an issue at all.
Resources regarding attachment in adoption
- Support groups
- Therapists specializing in attachment
- The Connected Child
- Attaching in Adoption
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