The Dark Side

There is a dark side to adoption that I talk about at times but not often.   We are currently experiencing one of those periods and are feeling deflated and thinking that moving was the worse thing we could have done for junior.   As a parent that is a horrible feeling to have.   We want to help him but just don’t know how. 

School has become a major trigger for Jr and a nightmare for us.  He has a diagnosis of PTSD and in all environments except his current school he is fine.  For some reason school is triggering him and he is deteriorating.   We have come to the decision that we can’t continue to send him to school as he isn’t safe there.   I don’t know what we are going to do but when I got the call today that he ran out of the school and almost got hit by a car we knew that there is no way we can send him back there. 

First I want to say that I don’t fault the staff at the school, they have been very supportive but there have been extenuating circumstances in his classroom – within 6 weeks he has had 3 different teachers.

PTSD isn’t the worst diagnosis in the world but there is no easy cure for it.  Not that there is an easy cure for other diagnoses.   I am so thankful we have a support system in place to help us navigate this but that doesn’t make it easier if he doesn’t talk about what is happening.   I am so thankful that he shows remorse and trusts new adults that have entered his life with the move, like his new counselor and our new nanny.   He is sharing information with them and us which is huge but it hasn’t lead to an answer for any of us.   We have a pediatrician that specializes in adoption and when I called them today to get an appointment they found a time earlier than what was originally suggested by the front desk and at the asked what they can do to support us in the next week before his appointment.  

I was travelling for work this week which isn’t unusual but it does make it so much harder.   When my manager heard what was happening she asked me why I hadn’t gone home immediately.   And no the behaviors aren’t occurring just because I was gone –it started last week.   We have hired a fabulous nanny/family assistant and junior has bonded with her and she has been a savior this week.  I hope she isn’t scared off by this turn of events. 

We knew that moving wasn’t going to be easy, it is just horrible to feel like this is the worst decision we could have made.   Yes it is what is best for our family in the long term and I know that, yet I can’t stop that little voice in my head that is telling me if we stayed in Colorado he would be better.   Many people we talked to said that the move might be really good for junior as it gave him a fresh start – little did we know we were walking into a land mine at school.  

I don’t know where we go from here – home schooling, private school, or something else. 

In the blink of an eye

It is hard to believe that 1 year ago today we headed up a mountain, packed up three cars and came home with junior.  Life as we knew it would never be the same, and I love it.  Before we got in the car he asked us what he should call us, we told him that he could call us whatever he was comfortable.  On the drive down he was talking non-stop, telling stories and he said something about mom.  I didn't respond and he then tells me "I said mom and you didn't answer."  Uh-oh, I thought I just blew it.   I didn't hear him call me mom for about 2 months after that. Luckily he didn't hold that against me forever.

The last year has not been easy and there were times along the way that I wasn't sure we had made the right decision and if we would make it.  Thanks to an amazing team of people, our therapists, social workers, GAL, teachers & aides, and the support and encouragement from our family and friends we did.

When we have setbacks at school or he almost got kicked out of camp it is hard to not focus on the negatives; I just have to keep remembering the progress he has made.   Hearing from a previous foster mom that he looks happier than she has ever seen him, or having a friend tell me how nice it is that he now plays on his own instead of having to be constantly entertained remind me that we have come a long way.

This last week hasn't been an easy one, I realized that not only is it the anniversary of his becoming part of our family and his birthday, this also marks the 2 year mark since he last saw his birth mom.   Even though we don't talk about the anniversaries it seems he instinctively know.  There have been a lot of questions lately about his birth mom, tears over how unfair life is, and questions to other moms about whether their children grew in their tummies as he tries to process everything that is going on.

We remind him that he is a very special boy - he has 4 moms and 3 dads that love him and want what's best for him and he is just like Superman.

On This Day

6 years ago today I was getting settled in my condo in Seattle after moving back to the US from London.

3 years ago today Dave and I were saying goodbye to the last of our family and friends that had traveled to Seattle to celebrate our wedding.

25 months ago today Dave and I arrived in Colorado, after a long road trip from Seattle.  We knew when we left Seattle we would be starting the adoption process shortly.

1 year ago today I was in the Emergency Room in  NYC after I had an anxiety attack that I thought was a heart attack.

10 months ago today we drove up a long and windy road to pick junior up from his foster family and move him in with us.

Today after 1,268 days in foster care junior is officially adopted!  This hasn't been the easiest or shortest journey but together we have reached this point.   I am not sure whether to call this the beginning or the end or just another stop along the way.

For privacy reasons I will continue to refer to him as Jr here.

  I was touched when after many discussions about his middle name he decided he wanted to have the same name as my father.  To me his name represents his birth mom, my family and Dave's family.

Making Progress Towards Finalization

There is so much to do before we finalize the adoption but we crossed the final barriers today.   We had to be re-fingerprinted in case we have suddenly appeared on the FBI's most wanted list in the past 9 months and we had our subsidy hearing.

I wasn't even aware that there is an ongoing subsidy.  The hearing was to negotiate and determine how much assistance we would get for long term support for Junior's needs.  Some foster kids get classified as Title IV-E which is a federal program, not all foster kids are eligible for this.  One major benefit of this classification is the ability for tuition assistance at a number of colleges should Junior decide to go.  I was really hoping for this and we did end up in this program.  

When asked what we need ongoing assistance with we stated continued therapy, education and respite care.  I thought the respite care would be tricky but I was honestly surprised when we were given a monthly stipend for respite care on a monthly basis.  It is use it or lose it and we need to provide documentation for reimbursement but this is huge.   There is no restriction on how the money can be used if we want to pay a baby sitter for a date night, or a gift card for a friend that watches junior overnight, or if a grandparent wants to take junior golfing for an afternoon all of this can be covered  with our respite stipend.  We will get all the paperwork after finalization.

Overall I was very pleased with the way the meeting went.  Now we just have to wait until August 6th.  You have to wait 120 hours after the subsidy hearing occurs to finalize an adoption and with Dave travelling back and forth between Denver and Seattle we have to wait until his next trip back to Denver.  

The other big decision that was made today is we finally have agreed upon a middle name for Junior.  We told him he could keep his middle name or change it.  This has resulted in him suggesting all kinds of strange names like Cubby or Zebra.   We vetoed those and have reached a decision that we are all very happy with.

400th Post

What a milestone!  In some way it is hard to believe that I have managed to come up with that many unique things to say.  But then again this blog has served multiple purposes and has been in existence for 7.5 years.

I've tried to think of something monumental to write about for this post but then life happened and came up with something for me.  This blog has seen me through multiple moves London to Seattle to Denver and now another move is on the horizon for us.  Back to Seattle.  

After only 2 short years in Denver it is sad to be leaving but after some long hard discussions we have come to the decision that this is what is best for our family.  

I have never had some grand master plan for my life. I take opportunities as they have been presented to me and every decision I have made has brought me to where I am today.   I believe that if I had taken a different path in the past my life today would be very different.

• If I stayed teaching in NY instead of moving to Boston I wouldn't have had an amazing career that would move me to London and then Seattle.  Not to mention the great friends I have made along the way. 
• If I hadn't agreed to a blind date I wouldn't have met Dave and gone on many adventures with him.  
• And finally if we hadn't moved to Denver we wouldn't have junior.  I whole heartedly believe that we were meant to move to Denver to find Junior and make him a part of our family.  

We are all excited to be moving and starting this next chapter in our lives.   We will be finalizing the adoption before we move and will be making a fresh start in Seattle.   Tonight junior made a comment that this is the first time he will be moving as a family.  Previously all of his moves have been him leaving a family, this time and every time from now on he moves with his entire family. 

Happy Birthmother's Day

The day before Mother's Day is not a nationally recognized holiday but it is a day that adoptive families celebrate as Birthmother's Day.   It is a special day to honor and remember the mom's who chose to make an adoption plan for their child or those who had right's terminated by the courts.

Junior's birthmom will always have a place in our family even though we have no contact with her and she has no idea who we are.   She is incredibly important to him and we try and reinforce this whenever he mentions her and let him know how lucky he is to have two moms who love him.

Last week we told junior we wanted to do something special for his birthmom on Saturday and gave him a couple of options.  Today he decided he wanted to buy a balloon for her and attach a picture to it.  He drew a picture and we went to pick out a balloon for his birth mom.  

We then went outside, he hugged the balloon and attempted to let it go.   Sadly with the rain, the cold air and the weight of the picture the balloon did not want to go.   We tried multiple times and laughed as it refused to float away.  I honestly think this helped as it added a bit of humor to the situation when he was feeling rather sad.  The balloon came inside with us and still wouldn't float, after about 5 minutes we noticed it had floated to the ceiling so junior decided to try one more time.

This time the balloon floated away!   Junior was thrilled,watching him jump up and down made my heart melt.  I wonder if we hadn't had the mishaps earlier if the balloon floating away would have ended in tears instead of laughter.   I plan on putting the pictures taken today in an album and adding to it each year for him as a way to remember and honor his birth mom.  If at some point down the road he reconnects with her he can share this with her.

Ridiculous reasons I am looking forward to finalization

I am not so secretly hoping that next week when we meet with our team we can set a date for finalization.  There are many reasons why finalization is going to be great, here are some of the petty ridiculous ones.

1. Reduction in paperwork.
2. Being able to share pictures on social media of our family.
3. Junior can go on sleepovers.
4. No longer needing to get permission to travel.
5. Not being called Mrs. Junior's last name.