Happy Birthmother's Day

The day before Mother's Day is not a nationally recognized holiday but it is a day that adoptive families celebrate as Birthmother's Day.   It is a special day to honor and remember the mom's who chose to make an adoption plan for their child or those who had right's terminated by the courts.

Junior's birthmom will always have a place in our family even though we have no contact with her and she has no idea who we are.   She is incredibly important to him and we try and reinforce this whenever he mentions her and let him know how lucky he is to have two moms who love him.

Last week we told junior we wanted to do something special for his birthmom on Saturday and gave him a couple of options.  Today he decided he wanted to buy a balloon for her and attach a picture to it.  He drew a picture and we went to pick out a balloon for his birth mom.  

We then went outside, he hugged the balloon and attempted to let it go.   Sadly with the rain, the cold air and the weight of the picture the balloon did not want to go.   We tried multiple times and laughed as it refused to float away.  I honestly think this helped as it added a bit of humor to the situation when he was feeling rather sad.  The balloon came inside with us and still wouldn't float, after about 5 minutes we noticed it had floated to the ceiling so junior decided to try one more time.

This time the balloon floated away!   Junior was thrilled,watching him jump up and down made my heart melt.  I wonder if we hadn't had the mishaps earlier if the balloon floating away would have ended in tears instead of laughter.   I plan on putting the pictures taken today in an album and adding to it each year for him as a way to remember and honor his birth mom.  If at some point down the road he reconnects with her he can share this with her.

Ridiculous reasons I am looking forward to finalization

I am not so secretly hoping that next week when we meet with our team we can set a date for finalization.  There are many reasons why finalization is going to be great, here are some of the petty ridiculous ones.

1. Reduction in paperwork.
2. Being able to share pictures on social media of our family.
3. Junior can go on sleepovers.
4. No longer needing to get permission to travel.
5. Not being called Mrs. Junior's last name.

Six Months In

Yesterday marked the six month mark   Crazy how quickly time flew by.  The last 6 months have been filled with laughter, tears and frustration.   It was while we were meeting with our family counselor that I realized the milestone.  During the session our therapist was telling us how far junior has come and that he seems to be doing really well.  Some days I feel like we are on the right track while other days I wonder how I am going to get through the day.   Being told to keep doing what we are doing as it is working was so gratifying to hear.  

This morning I then came across this article on Huffington Post  that really resonated with me and I wanted to share it with you.   Each adoption journey is different but there are definitely some similarities with all stories.   We have to learn to learn as we go  and try and do what we think is best for junior to feel more like part of our family.

Funny How Things Happen

On Easter two years ago Dave decided to travel to Denver to spend the weekend skiing with his family.  I stayed in Seattle and co-hosted an Easter Egg Hunt for about 20 adults.   Fast forward two years and we are now living in Denver and will be hosting an Easter Egg hunt for our son and his cousins.

I don't think either of us thought that weekend would result in our moving to Colorado but it somehow did.   We started talking about how it would be nice for our future child to live near family, looking at where we had family Denver seemed like a logical choice.   Little did we know how quickly things would fall into place.   We figured it would take a year or so for Dave to find the right position as there was really only 1 hospital he could go to work for.   As luck would have it, the position he wanted had just been posted.   Two months later we packed up and left Seattle for Denver.

If we hadn't moved we would have junior.  Would we have a child today through foster to adopt - who knows?  But I do know that if we did it would be junior.   That fateful Easter two years ago started the wheels turning to end up where we are today and I am incredibly thankful for that.  Sitting in the back yard watching Dave throw the football around with junior while Paddy chews sticks seems pretty perfect to me.

It was bound to happen sooner or later

Based on the suggestion of junior's therapist we gave him a photo of his birth mom over the weekend.   This was a tough thing to do as we weren't sure how to react and whether or not it would cause a regression in behaviors.   I decided to give it to him at night in case there was a melt down he could then go right to bed and it wouldn't be an all day issue.  

As I expected he got very sad and emotional when he saw the photo but bed time was not a disaster.   He did cry and say that he missed his mom and then it happened.  I heard for the first time "You're not my real mom."   I knew this day would come and those words would be uttered but I just didn't know when it would happen.   I honestly expected it to be when he was angry with us, not just upset and missing his birth mom.   I imagine I will hear this many more times over the years and I will have to learn how to respond.   I do not remember what exactly I said to him in the moment, I did try my best to acknowledge his feelings and let him know that it is perfectly normal to miss his mom.   

We do have more photos but I need to get them scanned into digital format before I hand them over.   I have heard horror stories about kids destroying the only copy of photos that existed and I do not want that to happen.  Should a photo get destroyed we will definitely have a back up.   For now he seems happy with the 1 photo he has.   

Taking a Step Back

The month of February has brought around many changes in our household, and hopefully they are all for the best.   Dave &  I were both stressed at work and trying to adjust to life with a 6 year old has a unique set of stressors as well.   We decided to take a step back from our careers and focus on ourselves and our family.   It is scary and exciting at the same time.

When I first started working my grandfather gave me the advice to pay myself first, thankfully I took his advice which makes this all possible.    I  have a long list of projects I want to accomplish around the house and I will also be looking for another job.  Dave is following his passion and has found a job as a beer specialist at a local liquor store.

It wasn't an easy decision for me to make leaving a job I just started 6 months ago.  People always talk about "having it all"   and recently I heard it put a much better way.   You can have it all but you can't do it all at the same time.   This really resonated with me and made me realize that becoming a mom and  taking a position as a director at the same time wasn't the right thing to do.   If junior had been with us longer and felt more stable here , or if I had been in the job for 6 months before he was placed with us things might have ended up differently.   As it was I was not able to give either home or work 100% and that just wasn't good.

I don't have a crystal ball and I don't know what the future holds for us.   What I do know is that we are going to take some time to reconnect and bond as a family.   Hopefully I can find a job that doesn't require me to start at 6:30 and has limited travel.  Maybe in the future that will change, we are just going to take things one step as a time.

Admittedly I was a little worried about the reaction I would get when we announced our plans to others.   I was quite surprised by the number of people who commented  on how much they admired what we were doing.  I was expecting to hear many more negative comments and have people try to talk us out of our choices.   One of us making a big career change is one thing but both of us at the same time seems crazy.  

This isn't something that was decided on the spur of the moment, those that know me well know I am a planner.   So yes a  lot of planning went into this.   We actually started planning for Dave leaving his job back in November, my change wasn't part of the original plan but life happens and I have a plan on how to deal with this.  

Deep Thoughts From a 6 Year Old

It isn't always easy to tell what Jr is thinking or feeling.   The little guy has been through quite a bit in his short life and we will likely never know all of the details.   He doesn't necessarily understand what has happened to him and why he has had to live in so many homes.  

Tonight after dinner he was coloring and decided to draw a picture of me.   I think this looks just like me.

After he drew the picture I asked him if he wanted to write a story about the picture.  This is what he dictated to me:

"This is mommy playing with me and we are playing, rock, paper, scissors, shoot.  Well, it is hard to choose which family to be in.  And it's also hard to not understand and forget about stuff.  So that's why I live with my family.  I love them very much."

He then decided to write another note.  This one he wrote on his own with constant questions of "how do you spell ...":

"Well it is not easy to be a boy, but that is not all there is.   One more thing, there is my loving family.  Now it is easy to be a boy. "

It was very difficult not to start crying as I wrote and read these stories.   He is starting to open up which is great but part of me is scared for him to start sharing some of the stories from his past.  It isn't going to be easy to hear and I worry that we will say the wrong thing as he starts to open up.