Yesterday marked the six month mark Crazy how quickly time flew by. The last 6 months have been filled with laughter, tears and frustration. It was while we were meeting with our family counselor that I realized the milestone. During the session our therapist was telling us how far junior has come and that he seems to be doing really well. Some days I feel like we are on the right track while other days I wonder how I am going to get through the day. Being told to keep doing what we are doing as it is working was so gratifying to hear.
This morning I then came across this article on Huffington Post that really resonated with me and I wanted to share it with you. Each adoption journey is different but there are definitely some similarities with all stories. We have to learn to learn as we go and try and do what we think is best for junior to feel more like part of our family.
Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Sunday, April 5, 2015
Funny How Things Happen
On Easter two years ago Dave decided to travel to Denver to spend the weekend skiing with his family. I stayed in Seattle and co-hosted an Easter Egg Hunt for about 20 adults. Fast forward two years and we are now living in Denver and will be hosting an Easter Egg hunt for our son and his cousins.
I don't think either of us thought that weekend would result in our moving to Colorado but it somehow did. We started talking about how it would be nice for our future child to live near family, looking at where we had family Denver seemed like a logical choice. Little did we know how quickly things would fall into place. We figured it would take a year or so for Dave to find the right position as there was really only 1 hospital he could go to work for. As luck would have it, the position he wanted had just been posted. Two months later we packed up and left Seattle for Denver.
If we hadn't moved we would have junior. Would we have a child today through foster to adopt - who knows? But I do know that if we did it would be junior. That fateful Easter two years ago started the wheels turning to end up where we are today and I am incredibly thankful for that. Sitting in the back yard watching Dave throw the football around with junior while Paddy chews sticks seems pretty perfect to me.
I don't think either of us thought that weekend would result in our moving to Colorado but it somehow did. We started talking about how it would be nice for our future child to live near family, looking at where we had family Denver seemed like a logical choice. Little did we know how quickly things would fall into place. We figured it would take a year or so for Dave to find the right position as there was really only 1 hospital he could go to work for. As luck would have it, the position he wanted had just been posted. Two months later we packed up and left Seattle for Denver.
If we hadn't moved we would have junior. Would we have a child today through foster to adopt - who knows? But I do know that if we did it would be junior. That fateful Easter two years ago started the wheels turning to end up where we are today and I am incredibly thankful for that. Sitting in the back yard watching Dave throw the football around with junior while Paddy chews sticks seems pretty perfect to me.
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
It was bound to happen sooner or later
Based on the suggestion of junior's therapist we gave him a photo of his birth mom over the weekend. This was a tough thing to do as we weren't sure how to react and whether or not it would cause a regression in behaviors. I decided to give it to him at night in case there was a melt down he could then go right to bed and it wouldn't be an all day issue.
As I expected he got very sad and emotional when he saw the photo but bed time was not a disaster. He did cry and say that he missed his mom and then it happened. I heard for the first time "You're not my real mom." I knew this day would come and those words would be uttered but I just didn't know when it would happen. I honestly expected it to be when he was angry with us, not just upset and missing his birth mom. I imagine I will hear this many more times over the years and I will have to learn how to respond. I do not remember what exactly I said to him in the moment, I did try my best to acknowledge his feelings and let him know that it is perfectly normal to miss his mom.
We do have more photos but I need to get them scanned into digital format before I hand them over. I have heard horror stories about kids destroying the only copy of photos that existed and I do not want that to happen. Should a photo get destroyed we will definitely have a back up. For now he seems happy with the 1 photo he has.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
Taking a Step Back
The month of February has brought around many changes in our household, and hopefully they are all for the best. Dave & I were both stressed at work and trying to adjust to life with a 6 year old has a unique set of stressors as well. We decided to take a step back from our careers and focus on ourselves and our family. It is scary and exciting at the same time.
When I first started working my grandfather gave me the advice to pay myself first, thankfully I took his advice which makes this all possible. I have a long list of projects I want to accomplish around the house and I will also be looking for another job. Dave is following his passion and has found a job as a beer specialist at a local liquor store.
It wasn't an easy decision for me to make leaving a job I just started 6 months ago. People always talk about "having it all" and recently I heard it put a much better way. You can have it all but you can't do it all at the same time. This really resonated with me and made me realize that becoming a mom and taking a position as a director at the same time wasn't the right thing to do. If junior had been with us longer and felt more stable here , or if I had been in the job for 6 months before he was placed with us things might have ended up differently. As it was I was not able to give either home or work 100% and that just wasn't good.
I don't have a crystal ball and I don't know what the future holds for us. What I do know is that we are going to take some time to reconnect and bond as a family. Hopefully I can find a job that doesn't require me to start at 6:30 and has limited travel. Maybe in the future that will change, we are just going to take things one step as a time.
Admittedly I was a little worried about the reaction I would get when we announced our plans to others. I was quite surprised by the number of people who commented on how much they admired what we were doing. I was expecting to hear many more negative comments and have people try to talk us out of our choices. One of us making a big career change is one thing but both of us at the same time seems crazy.
This isn't something that was decided on the spur of the moment, those that know me well know I am a planner. So yes a lot of planning went into this. We actually started planning for Dave leaving his job back in November, my change wasn't part of the original plan but life happens and I have a plan on how to deal with this.
When I first started working my grandfather gave me the advice to pay myself first, thankfully I took his advice which makes this all possible. I have a long list of projects I want to accomplish around the house and I will also be looking for another job. Dave is following his passion and has found a job as a beer specialist at a local liquor store.
It wasn't an easy decision for me to make leaving a job I just started 6 months ago. People always talk about "having it all" and recently I heard it put a much better way. You can have it all but you can't do it all at the same time. This really resonated with me and made me realize that becoming a mom and taking a position as a director at the same time wasn't the right thing to do. If junior had been with us longer and felt more stable here , or if I had been in the job for 6 months before he was placed with us things might have ended up differently. As it was I was not able to give either home or work 100% and that just wasn't good.
I don't have a crystal ball and I don't know what the future holds for us. What I do know is that we are going to take some time to reconnect and bond as a family. Hopefully I can find a job that doesn't require me to start at 6:30 and has limited travel. Maybe in the future that will change, we are just going to take things one step as a time.
Admittedly I was a little worried about the reaction I would get when we announced our plans to others. I was quite surprised by the number of people who commented on how much they admired what we were doing. I was expecting to hear many more negative comments and have people try to talk us out of our choices. One of us making a big career change is one thing but both of us at the same time seems crazy.
This isn't something that was decided on the spur of the moment, those that know me well know I am a planner. So yes a lot of planning went into this. We actually started planning for Dave leaving his job back in November, my change wasn't part of the original plan but life happens and I have a plan on how to deal with this.
Saturday, February 14, 2015
Deep Thoughts From a 6 Year Old
It isn't always easy to tell what Jr is thinking or feeling. The little guy has been through quite a bit in his short life and we will likely never know all of the details. He doesn't necessarily understand what has happened to him and why he has had to live in so many homes.
Tonight after dinner he was coloring and decided to draw a picture of me. I think this looks just like me.
After he drew the picture I asked him if he wanted to write a story about the picture. This is what he dictated to me:
"This is mommy playing with me and we are playing, rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Well, it is hard to choose which family to be in. And it's also hard to not understand and forget about stuff. So that's why I live with my family. I love them very much."
He then decided to write another note. This one he wrote on his own with constant questions of "how do you spell ...":
"Well it is not easy to be a boy, but that is not all there is. One more thing, there is my loving family. Now it is easy to be a boy. "
It was very difficult not to start crying as I wrote and read these stories. He is starting to open up which is great but part of me is scared for him to start sharing some of the stories from his past. It isn't going to be easy to hear and I worry that we will say the wrong thing as he starts to open up.
Tonight after dinner he was coloring and decided to draw a picture of me. I think this looks just like me.
After he drew the picture I asked him if he wanted to write a story about the picture. This is what he dictated to me:
"This is mommy playing with me and we are playing, rock, paper, scissors, shoot. Well, it is hard to choose which family to be in. And it's also hard to not understand and forget about stuff. So that's why I live with my family. I love them very much."
He then decided to write another note. This one he wrote on his own with constant questions of "how do you spell ...":
"Well it is not easy to be a boy, but that is not all there is. One more thing, there is my loving family. Now it is easy to be a boy. "
It was very difficult not to start crying as I wrote and read these stories. He is starting to open up which is great but part of me is scared for him to start sharing some of the stories from his past. It isn't going to be easy to hear and I worry that we will say the wrong thing as he starts to open up.
Monday, February 9, 2015
A is for Attachment, Anxiety and Arrrrrggggghhhhhh
Junior is definitely attaching to us but with that comes separation anxiety and frustration. For every step forward there seems to be two or three steps backwards Looking at things a different way these are all positives.
With my new job I have meetings that start at 7 AM which means I am leaving the house at 6:15. It is the most heartbreaking thing to see junior standing in the garage door as I back out as he didn't wake up in time to have breakfast with me. Yes, he has been trying to get up to have breakfast with me so he can have "mommy time." Should he be getting up at 6 AM - NO! The days I wake him up to take him to school he is so excited. It is crazy to see him jump out of bed, get dressed and ready within a 5 minute period if it means he can spend a few more minutes with me in the morning.
On the flip side of things the more he attaches the more he pulls away and pushes the boundaries. Poor Paddy has felt the brunt of things as Jr seems to be seeing what buttons he can push with the dog. Part of this I feel is junior trying to figure out what he can do for us to tell him he has to leave, as this has been the norm for him.
We have had to put in consequences for when he starts harassing Paddy. Today I think we saw some progress on this front. We have told Jr that he gets a time out for every time we tell him to leave the dog alone and he doesn't. Paddy has been snarling periodically at Jr when she has had enough, Jr sadly hasn't reacted to this Jr has had a couple of timeouts which may have taught him a lesson. Tonight Jr walked up to Paddy as she was eating, Paddy snarled and Jr walked away. This is a huge change, normally Paddy would snarl and Jr would continue to bother her.
For every step forward there are steps backwards and adjustments that need to be made, but this is to be expected
With my new job I have meetings that start at 7 AM which means I am leaving the house at 6:15. It is the most heartbreaking thing to see junior standing in the garage door as I back out as he didn't wake up in time to have breakfast with me. Yes, he has been trying to get up to have breakfast with me so he can have "mommy time." Should he be getting up at 6 AM - NO! The days I wake him up to take him to school he is so excited. It is crazy to see him jump out of bed, get dressed and ready within a 5 minute period if it means he can spend a few more minutes with me in the morning.
On the flip side of things the more he attaches the more he pulls away and pushes the boundaries. Poor Paddy has felt the brunt of things as Jr seems to be seeing what buttons he can push with the dog. Part of this I feel is junior trying to figure out what he can do for us to tell him he has to leave, as this has been the norm for him.
We have had to put in consequences for when he starts harassing Paddy. Today I think we saw some progress on this front. We have told Jr that he gets a time out for every time we tell him to leave the dog alone and he doesn't. Paddy has been snarling periodically at Jr when she has had enough, Jr sadly hasn't reacted to this Jr has had a couple of timeouts which may have taught him a lesson. Tonight Jr walked up to Paddy as she was eating, Paddy snarled and Jr walked away. This is a huge change, normally Paddy would snarl and Jr would continue to bother her.
For every step forward there are steps backwards and adjustments that need to be made, but this is to be expected
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Not what I had planned
Today's plans were thrown out the window early this morning when I got the call that my grandfather had passed. It wasn't unexpected but it still is difficult. Throughout the course of the day I have had many revelations.
First off I have been incredibility fortunate to have known my grandfather for 41 years. I always loved hearing his stories growing up and going to visit him. As my career and life choices have moved me further from the east coast I haven't been able to see my family as often as I would have liked. I am very thankful I managed a visit to NY this summer and was able to see him then. He will be greatly missed and I am very sorry that he won't be able to meet junior.
It is hard enough trying to make last minute travel arrangements but things are complicated with junior. Shortly after getting the call this morning. I called our case worker to find out what needs to be done. We need permission to travel out of state with junior, plus he will be missing school for 4 days. I wish it didn't take as long but we need a day of travel each way. I have booked our flights hopefully we get the letter and permission to travel by tomorrow.
Booking flights at the last minute is never easy. On none of our 4 flights are we sitting together and we both have middle seats which makes it tough to swap seats. On one hand this may be nice but I am not sure strangers will want to take care of junior on a flight. We have loaded his tablet with movies and games so I am sure it will be an easy flight. I am also silently hoping we can get a upgrade, what 6 year old wouldn't like flying first class.
I was a bit surprised to learn that United Airlines no longer offers bereavement fares. Last minute fares are not cheap and a 5-10% discount won't bankrupt the airline, but I am sure they have their reasons.
Finally this is not the way I had envisioned taking junior home to meet my family. We have been trying to introduce him in small numbers to family members and even then it takes him a while to warm up to people. Luckily he met my father over Thanksgiving and will have his cousins to play with that should help.
First off I have been incredibility fortunate to have known my grandfather for 41 years. I always loved hearing his stories growing up and going to visit him. As my career and life choices have moved me further from the east coast I haven't been able to see my family as often as I would have liked. I am very thankful I managed a visit to NY this summer and was able to see him then. He will be greatly missed and I am very sorry that he won't be able to meet junior.
It is hard enough trying to make last minute travel arrangements but things are complicated with junior. Shortly after getting the call this morning. I called our case worker to find out what needs to be done. We need permission to travel out of state with junior, plus he will be missing school for 4 days. I wish it didn't take as long but we need a day of travel each way. I have booked our flights hopefully we get the letter and permission to travel by tomorrow.
Booking flights at the last minute is never easy. On none of our 4 flights are we sitting together and we both have middle seats which makes it tough to swap seats. On one hand this may be nice but I am not sure strangers will want to take care of junior on a flight. We have loaded his tablet with movies and games so I am sure it will be an easy flight. I am also silently hoping we can get a upgrade, what 6 year old wouldn't like flying first class.
I was a bit surprised to learn that United Airlines no longer offers bereavement fares. Last minute fares are not cheap and a 5-10% discount won't bankrupt the airline, but I am sure they have their reasons.
Finally this is not the way I had envisioned taking junior home to meet my family. We have been trying to introduce him in small numbers to family members and even then it takes him a while to warm up to people. Luckily he met my father over Thanksgiving and will have his cousins to play with that should help.
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