Looking back and forward

10 years ago today I wrote my first blog post.  When I started it was a way for me to share information on my travels and life living abroad with family and friends back home. This was before the days of Facebook, well maybe it existed but it wasn’t used as widely as it is today.   As my life changed the blog did as well.   I never imagined when I started this blog how big a part of my life it would be today – not personally, but professionally.   I don’t blog as much personally but now a big part of my job is to blog.  Maybe because I spend so much of my days writing for work, I’m burnt out at the end of the day.   Or maybe I’m burnt out at the end of the day because I am now wrangling a cat, a dog, a husband and an 8 year old. 

It’s strange to look back over the last 10 years and think about how much things have changed.   That one tiny decision I made to move to London has changed my life in many ways.   Had I never left Boston, I may have never moved to Seattle.   If I didn’t move to Seattle I would not have met Dave.  If I hadn’t met Dave I would not have moved to Colorado.  If I didn’t move to Colorado, junior would not be my son.   Were the last 10 years all great, no.  There were some definite hardships and tears but today there is no place else I would rather be.  (Disclaimer:  right now I’m sitting in an airport getting, heading out on a business trips.  There are many places I would rather be than at the airport, but you know what I mean).  

Through these moves I have met some amazing people, developed lasting friendships, and learned a great deal about myself.   Sitting here thinking about the past, I can’t help but think of the future.  Not knowing what the future holds is always a scary thing for me.   While I am scared I am also hopeful and optimistic.  One of our family traditions at bed time is to discuss what our favorite part of the day is.  Even when a day is dreary and miserable we have to focus on the positive.   To dwell on the negatives is not good.   I will continue to take risks, speak my mind, and attempt to be a positive influence to others.   I may even blog about it.     

2016 Year in Review

2016 was a rough year, at some times it seems like there were more lows than highs.  But one thing we are teaching junior is no matter how bad a day is there is always a positive in it.  Instead of focusing on the negatives I choose to look at the highlights.  Last night at dinner we shared our top five favorite moments of the year.

This isn't as easy as it seems, especially when people keep changing their minds.  Junior decided he needed to give us six items, and I was told I cheated with one of my selections.

Here are the top moments for our family.

Me

1. Starting a new job.  I was fortunate to find a job that enabled me to work part time as we moved to Seattle in 2015.   In 2016 I was ready to go back to work full time, unfortunately the company I was working for was unable to offer me a full time position, but a great opportunity came my way.    I am still working from home which is great and trips to the company's headquarters enable me to visit family and friends which is an added perk.   
2. Renovating our new home.   You may think I'm crazy but I enjoy remodeling projects.  Well I enjoy choosing materials, I dislike the unexpected surprises that often appear.  One unexpected find on our recent renovation led to our installing my favorite feature in the house - a hidden bookshelf door.    What else do you do when you find a water heater sealed behind drywall in the master bedroom. 

3. Vacations and travel throughout the year.   I was told I cheated with this selection and I couldn't lump all vacations together as they were not all equal.  I say hogwash.   I love to travel and explore new places.   Vacations this year took us to visit family and friends, attend opening day at Wrigley Field and see the team that would go on to become the World Series Champions,  and spend time relaxing on the beach.  I also managed a weekend away with a friend to knock another state off my list and visited South Dakota. Only four more states to go.
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
   
      
4. Concerts at the zoo.   We took junior to his first concert, Weird Al, at the zoo.  He loves his music and we liked the fact that when he got bored there was a supervised play area we could take him to.  Dave and I also went to see Brandi Carlile there, I think this was the fifth time we've seen her and I never get tired of her shows.  
5. Junior's new school.   The 2014-2015 school year was rough and stressful.   Over the summer we made the tough decision to enroll junior in a new private school that was opening near our house.  Three months in and I would say it was absolutely the right decision.  He is having a much better year and the school is willing to work with us and figure out strategies that work for junior.  Being in the right environment makes such a difference.   I love that he gets upset when he can't go to school because he is sick or there is a holiday.   

Dave's list

1. Cubs winning the World Series.   (No surprise this was #1 on his list). 
2.  Oceanside Christmas vacation. 
3.  Visiting his brother in San Francisco during March Madness.
4.  Cubs Opening Day at Wrigley Field. 

5.  Fremont's Heron Hunting Club.  (Also no surprise that something beer related made the list).  

Junior's list

1.  Helping Paddy with her legs.  The dog is getting old and has arthritis.  Junior is responsible for giving her medicine to help with the arthritis every morning.   
2. Getting a new house.  
3. Spending time with the family.  
4. Playing in the snow. 
5. Eating at the pig truck.  Ever since junior saw a TV show about places to eat in Seattle that featured Maximus and Minimus he wanted to eat there.  This summer his wish came true.
6. Learning martial arts at school.   (This was added after I mentioned him going to a new school)

Interview of an 8 year old adoptee and his mom

For national adoption awareness I decided to interview junior.  We talked about what this would mean and that I would be sharing this on my blog.  I showed him that I don’t use his name or pictures on my blog and read him some of the blog posts.   He agreed to being interviewed if he could ask me questions as well.  

During the interview I asked him a question, then he asked me a question.  For the blog I have separated the interviews.  His answers to my questions are first followed by my answers to his questions.

What does it mean to be adopted?

Somebody takes care of you and you live with them forever.

It means a lot.   You can’t breathe, it’s super cool, it’s like the best thing that ever happens.   It’s super special.  One day you’re with a foster family and you open your eyes and you’re with another family that loves you very much.  

What are the 5 best things about you?

I’ve got a family that loves me very much.

I learn quickly.

I have good grades in class sometimes.

My teacher likes me.

Mom and dad care about me more than anything else. 

Why are some kids adopted?

So they can have their own family. 

How does it feel to be adopted?

Tiring.   You have to move from family to family and it’s sad.  It feels good but not exactly the way you want it to be.   I can’t see previous families.   It’s sad that I can’t see them. 

Why did we adopt you?

Because you guys wanted a son. 

You wanted the type of sun that keeps you warm on earth. (In case you didn't know he is learning the fine art of sarcasm and humor) 

How did you feel on your adoption day?

Happy.  Scared because I didn’t know if I really wanted to be adopted.  

What do you want to do when you grow up?

I want to start a company that helps kids that are in foster care. 

Do you ever think about your other families?

Sometimes.  But I mostly think about beer. 

Who’s your hero?

Police men, doctors and firemen.

Favorite thing about being part of this family?

Having people come over to our house getting to know your friends, having parties or spending time with family at Thanksgiving and Christmas. 

According to Dave it’s because we all chose one another. 

What’s the hardest thing about being a kid?

That I don’t get my way.   Life is hard. 

Junior’s interview of me

What was it like to be adopted

I wasn’t adopted.  I can tell you what it was like for me to adopt you.  It was one of the happiest days of my life.   I was so happy you chose us and wanted to be a part of our family.  I was also worried about what your future would be like.   I will always worry about you.

What was it like to have me with you.

We were scared at first since we had never been parents before and didn’t know much about you.   But we do the best we can and we learn from our mistakes.

What is it like to have me as a son.

Every day is an adventure.  I never know what you’re going to do or what you’re going to say.   You amaze me in some way every day.   Some days you amaze me in good ways and some days you amaze in bad ways.    I love watching you learn and grow.

What’s it like to have more family, I wasn’t part of your family in the beginning.

It was an adjustment but we wanted a son and are figuring it out.  

Would you adopt a teenager

No we wanted to adopt a boy between the ages of 3 and 8.  

Jr:  But I’m 8 now, so it’s time for me to leave.   I’ll go pack my suitcase and grab some beer.  

How did you like to be teased by Tag (Tag was a cat I had 5 years ago, junior never knew him)

Tag didn’t tease me.  He liked me.

What was it like when Tag ran away – Was it painful were you happy.  You probably weren’t happy but Paddy and Koda were.

I was sad and worried.  We tried to catch him a number of times but he didn’t want to live with us anymore.

How hard was it to adopt me?

It was hard, we had to go to a lot of classes and talk to a lot of people before we could adopt you.   Even though it was hard I wouldn’t change it.

-->

An unexpected gift

It's strange when you don't don't know your child's history.   You don't know what his first words were, when he learned to walk or ride a bike or anything.  There are more questions than answers about his first six years.  Add to that we don't know his medical history or ancestry.  For the latter we can explore testing through 23 and me or some similar company.  For the former we have to accept that there are gaps in his past and do the best we can with the unknown.  

Over the summer we received a package in the mail from junior's previous foster family.     In the package were some photographs of him with his first foster family.  We had previously had no pictures from the time he spent with this family, so this was huge.  I then looked at the envelope the photos were in and saw a name.   Previously we had only known the family's first names not their last name.

I did a little sleuthing online and realized I could reach out and see if I could begin talking with them. Dave and I discussed it with junior's counselor to get her thoughts.   We all agreed it couldn't hurt to send an email.  The worst that could happen is they wouldn't respond.   If they did respond we could gain some valuable information that we thought was lost.  

I thought long and hard about what to write in the email, and after I sent it I worried about whether I would receive a response.   I didn't have to wait long, less than an hour after I sent the email I had a response!   We've traded a few emails and we've received a few more photos.  I wasn't surprised to learn when junior left this foster family they sent a photo album with pictures of him.  For kids in foster care, it is all too common for personal items to be misplaced, lost, or left behind during a move. Being able to have access to pictures and information is such an amazing gift for us and junior.  

Happy Traumaverssary

The first week of October is junior's birthday.   For most kids there is lots of excitement leading up to a birthday.  But junior isn't like most kids.  His birthday is a reminder of everything he has lost over the years and  we brace ourselves for lots of BIG feelings.

Two years ago junior moved in with us the day before his birthday. Three years ago around his birthday was the last time he saw his birth mother.  Needless to say his birthday triggers lots of memories of loss and people who are no longer a part of his life.  This would be difficult for some adults to handle, for a child it can be next to impossible.

While he may not be aware of it or verbalize it, his behaviors show us that his body remembers. This week little things turn into big issues.  Tasks he is normally able to complete without any problems are much harder.    Monday was a rough day at school for him, when the director told me about his day my first response was "Oh yeah, this is going to be a tough week for him."  I know this and I should have given the school a heads up but the month of October crept up on me quickly.

Even with all of this. he seems to be looking forward to his birthday and party.  He loves being able to choose what he gets to eat for breakfast, lunch and dinner.

For dinner he chose to go to Wendy's.  Why?  Because they help kids in foster care find families.  Last month we went to Wendy's.  When we got there I saw a bunch of signs for the Dave Thomas Foundation and took the opportunity to talk to junior about it.  I tell him one of the reasons I like Wendy's is that they give a lot of money to help kids in foster care find families.    He says nothing, but the woman ahead of us in line turns around and says "That's a very good reason to come here."

Junior and I go back to talking about I have no idea what and about a minute later he goes "But mom I was already adopted."   "Yes, I remember.  I was there too."   The woman once again turns around "I adopted my son from foster care many years ago, too."   It was then her turn to order so our conversation stopped.  Junior  whispers to me "Mom, can we invite her to eat lunch with us?"   How could I say no?  

He timidly asked the woman if she would like to join us and she readily agrees.   We place our order and join her for lunch.  Junior shared information about himself and his foster families with her.   She shared information about her son who is now in his 20s.   At one point she asked a rhetorical question of why some kids in foster care are moved around so many times.  Junior immediately tells us he knows why:  "Because they aren't with the right family.  When they finally find the right family they stop moving and are adopted."   I'm surprised I made it through lunch without crying.  I am forever thankful to this stranger who took the time to share personal information about herself that enabled junior to open up.

Even though he is struggling this week and dealing with these BIG feelings, he wants to take time on his special day to help others like him.  To me this is a sign of healing.

Being the mom of THAT child

There's an article that is a few years old from a teacher addressing what she wishes she could share with parents about "THAT child."   I've seen it multiple times and it always strikes a chord with me.  Partially in understanding of what teacher's know and have to deal with on a daily basis, but mostly because I am a mom of "THAT child."

I am constantly worried about how my son's behavior can impact those around him.   We have to constantly keep an eye on him to ensure his safety and the safety of others.   At the same time we want him to have normal childhood experiences.  This isn't always possible for THAT child.   He wants to have friends, be invited to birthday parties, and have play dates.   I want that for him as well.

Last year we had a horrible school year.  Starting with his teacher quitting within the first week of school and it went downhill from there.  I can't explain the dread I would feel every time I saw the school's name show up on caller ID.   The pit that would form in the bottom of my stomach as I would be told of our son's latest escapade at school.   To go from his kindergarten year where he was regulated the majority of the time to having him out of control the majority of the time was a challenge and heartbreaking.   

I could see him physically change as we walked into school.  Getting tense and going on high alert.   I had to stay with him through breakfast, morning recess and walk him to his class in an attempt to ward off any problems first thing in the morning.   

The problem when your child is identified as THAT child, is classmates pick up on this and learn how to push his buttons.   I witnessed many occasions where a classmate would say something mean, push or in some other way provoke junior.   The minute he said something back, the students would yell his name to get the teacher's attention.   Junior was then reprimanded for his actions, and sometimes I was told I had to watch him closer.  Instead of being asked what had transpired all blame was immediately placed on junior.    I never felt like I had a voice to share information about the situation, I was viewed as not being able to control my kid.  

We work at home and in counseling on strategies he can use to stay in control.  We repeatedly tell him to walk away, tell a teacher, or ignore behaviors of others.   This is not something he is easily able to do.   He's made progress with this but he still is quick to act when he feels he has been slighted. 

Last year we came very close to pulling junior out of school and home schooling him as he wasn't able to stay safe at school.  The school worked with us to try and come up with a plan that would work, but nothing did.   In the end they gave up, letting him do what he wanted as long as he wasn't disturbing others.   

For his safety and the safety of those at school we chose to take a big risk and enroll junior in a private school that was in its first year.  Much smaller class sizes, more chances for independence and staff that was willing to meet kids where they are and see them grow.   

One month in and I have already noticed a huge difference, even though once again we are dealing with a situation where the teacher left after the first week of school.   Junior is upset when he has to stay home from school because he is sick or it is a weekend.   He talks about how much he likes school and that he feels safe there.   He told me today that he is able to ask questions and learn because he feels safe there.  

Every day I ask junior one thing he learned and his responses this year have included: 

• I can be a positive role model for others. 
• Sometimes it is better to do work on your own and sometimes it is better to work together. 
• I can ask for help if I need it. 

All of the responses have been about social aspects and his interactions with others which is not at all what I was expecting.  By no means do I think that we are in the clear, but seeing the difference between last year and this year is massive.

He still is and may always be THAT child and I will constantly worry about that.   

A Tough Decision

Junior has had a lot of moves in his short life.  He had numerous foster families before we found each other.  He had three different schools between kindergarten and 1st grade. We've moved twice in the last year as a family.  We were looking forward to him finally having continuity for the first time.   We bought a house to be closer to his school.

The school year was not easy for Junior.  We had an IEP that worked in Colorado.  Seattle was unable to provide the same supports he had there.We saw a great deal of regression in his behavior at school and some pretty severe PTSD episodes.  At home and in karate he was a different person.  I dreaded answering the phone whenever I saw the school was calling.

 Unfortunately after a lot of soul searching we admitted we needed to find a new school. We made the difficult decision to enroll Junior in a Montessori based private school.  It has much smaller class sizes, allows kids to work at their pace on topics that interest them and incorporates frequent movement breaks.

I never thought I would send my kids to private school;  Dave & I both went to public schools, our parents were teachers, I was a teacher.  If Junior had been able to get the supports he needed we wouldn't be making this change.  There are no guarantees he will do better here, but we can't have another school year like last year and this gives us a chance for success. Fingers crossed we have made the right decision.