ABCs of Adoption: C is for Counseling

Counseling can be a critical part of adoption for the parents and the child.  Counseling can help children deal with trauma and loss, it can help parents and children attach and it can give parents a safe outlet to talk about their anxieties and fears.

At one point during the adoption process we were working with three counselors - one for the whole family, one for junior, and one for us.   This may seem like a lot but each three served different purposes and helped us in different ways.  After travel time to and from appointments was factored in we were spending between 7-8 hours a week in therapy.
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Finding a therapist that specializes in adoption and attachment is not an easy task.  Trying to find one that takes Medicaid is even harder.   Medicaid is a benefit that some adoptees are eligible for, while in foster care all children receive Medicaid.  To me it would make sense that therapists with adoption and foster care specialties would accept Medicaid but that is not the case.  In the end it was more important for us to have counselors with the specialization than to have one that took Medicaid.
When we moved, one of the first tasks on my to-do list was to get junior set up with a new counselor.  This included countless phone calls to organizations looking for referrals.  I felt like I was being given the run around  or hitting a dead end.   I don't even remember what agencies I called and how I ended up getting the referral to our current therapist.    What I do know is that I am thankful that we found her.   She has been able to provide us with referrals to support groups and a pediatrician that specializes in adoption.

We fully expect to continue seeing counselors for years.  It may not be continuous, we may only need to check in on a monthly or quarterly basis but through the years there will be different issues that get raised which need to be addressed.

ABC's of Adoption: B is for Birthfamily

The triad in adoption is composed of the child, the birth parents and the adoptive parents.   Whether the adoption is open or closed, whether the child lived with the birth parents for part of their life or was placed with the adoptive parents at birth - the birth family is an integral part of any adoption.

While we have no contact with birth mom we talk about her on a regular basis and always in a positive manner.   There are pictures of her in the house, we talk about her at holidays and whenever junior mentions her.   We answer questions in a way that he can understand and process.   I imagine that as he gets older the conversations and questions will change.  What won't change is the attitude in which we answer the questions and provide information.

We will provide the facts as we know them.  We don't know everything but what we do know is that his birth mother loved him very much and did the best she could, but sometimes that isn't enough.   We know to never speak in a negative manner about her and to let him know it is OK to think about and talk about her.   This isn't a case of us against her and he can never think that.  

It is next to impossible to predict when questions will arise.   For me they always seem to come out of the blue and most often when we are driving or right before bed.  The bedtime I understand, the car I don't but it is not my job to figure out why, only to respond in a consistent manner.  

I am more than OK sharing a space in his heart with his birth mom.   We both love him fiercely and want what is best for him.   This isn't a contest as to who he loves more, if it becomes a contest we will all lose.

Adoption ABCs: A is for Attachment

In honor of National Adoption Month I plan on starting and hopefully completing the ABCs of Adoption blog series.  There are 30 days in the month and 26 letters in the alphabet, that should get me enough time.

I know that adoption starts with A but that is too obvious.  For me attachment is the bigger A word in adoption.  Attachment is defined as the ability to form a connection with another individual of significance.    Attachment is not a given, it takes time and in some instances it doesn't occur.
Whether attachment occurs is probably the biggest worry of adoptive parents no matter which form of adoption the child comes to a family through.   The concern goes both ways "Will I be able to attach to my child" and "Will my child attach to us."  If there are already children in the home, whether biological or adoptive, questions on whether the children will attach and bond to each other may also be raised.    

Many children from trauma backgrounds get diagnosed with attachment disorders, which can be a very scary situation.   They are averse to touch of any kind, avoid eye contact, or will seem to form bonds with complete strangers instead of their primary caregiver.  After years of abuse and neglect children can build barriers to protect themselves and learn not to trust.   Children may also feel a sense of loyalty to their birth parents which prevents them from forming an attachment.

We have been fortunate in that junior has formed an attachment to us.  We openly talk about his birth mom and encourage him to do so.  We let him decide what to call us and the day he decided we were mom and dad was a very memorable day.  

However we do still hear on occasion

"You're not my real mom."
"I want to be un-adopted."
"I didn't choose you."
"I miss my mommy."
"You're the worst family ever."

Does this mean he hasn't attached to us - no.  Does it still sting - yes.   At some point after these outbursts he comes to us for hugs and cuddles, apologizing saying he didn't really mean the things he said.   Attachment during adoption can be a lifelong issue or for some families it may not be an issue at all.  

Resources regarding attachment in adoption

• Support groups
• Therapists specializing in attachment
• The Connected Child
• Attaching in Adoption

The Dark Side

There is a dark side to adoption that I talk about at times but not often.   We are currently experiencing one of those periods and are feeling deflated and thinking that moving was the worse thing we could have done for junior.   As a parent that is a horrible feeling to have.   We want to help him but just don’t know how. 

School has become a major trigger for Jr and a nightmare for us.  He has a diagnosis of PTSD and in all environments except his current school he is fine.  For some reason school is triggering him and he is deteriorating.   We have come to the decision that we can’t continue to send him to school as he isn’t safe there.   I don’t know what we are going to do but when I got the call today that he ran out of the school and almost got hit by a car we knew that there is no way we can send him back there. 

First I want to say that I don’t fault the staff at the school, they have been very supportive but there have been extenuating circumstances in his classroom – within 6 weeks he has had 3 different teachers.

PTSD isn’t the worst diagnosis in the world but there is no easy cure for it.  Not that there is an easy cure for other diagnoses.   I am so thankful we have a support system in place to help us navigate this but that doesn’t make it easier if he doesn’t talk about what is happening.   I am so thankful that he shows remorse and trusts new adults that have entered his life with the move, like his new counselor and our new nanny.   He is sharing information with them and us which is huge but it hasn’t lead to an answer for any of us.   We have a pediatrician that specializes in adoption and when I called them today to get an appointment they found a time earlier than what was originally suggested by the front desk and at the asked what they can do to support us in the next week before his appointment.  

I was travelling for work this week which isn’t unusual but it does make it so much harder.   When my manager heard what was happening she asked me why I hadn’t gone home immediately.   And no the behaviors aren’t occurring just because I was gone –it started last week.   We have hired a fabulous nanny/family assistant and junior has bonded with her and she has been a savior this week.  I hope she isn’t scared off by this turn of events. 

We knew that moving wasn’t going to be easy, it is just horrible to feel like this is the worst decision we could have made.   Yes it is what is best for our family in the long term and I know that, yet I can’t stop that little voice in my head that is telling me if we stayed in Colorado he would be better.   Many people we talked to said that the move might be really good for junior as it gave him a fresh start – little did we know we were walking into a land mine at school.  

I don’t know where we go from here – home schooling, private school, or something else. 

In the blink of an eye

It is hard to believe that 1 year ago today we headed up a mountain, packed up three cars and came home with junior.  Life as we knew it would never be the same, and I love it.  Before we got in the car he asked us what he should call us, we told him that he could call us whatever he was comfortable.  On the drive down he was talking non-stop, telling stories and he said something about mom.  I didn't respond and he then tells me "I said mom and you didn't answer."  Uh-oh, I thought I just blew it.   I didn't hear him call me mom for about 2 months after that. Luckily he didn't hold that against me forever.

The last year has not been easy and there were times along the way that I wasn't sure we had made the right decision and if we would make it.  Thanks to an amazing team of people, our therapists, social workers, GAL, teachers & aides, and the support and encouragement from our family and friends we did.

When we have setbacks at school or he almost got kicked out of camp it is hard to not focus on the negatives; I just have to keep remembering the progress he has made.   Hearing from a previous foster mom that he looks happier than she has ever seen him, or having a friend tell me how nice it is that he now plays on his own instead of having to be constantly entertained remind me that we have come a long way.

This last week hasn't been an easy one, I realized that not only is it the anniversary of his becoming part of our family and his birthday, this also marks the 2 year mark since he last saw his birth mom.   Even though we don't talk about the anniversaries it seems he instinctively know.  There have been a lot of questions lately about his birth mom, tears over how unfair life is, and questions to other moms about whether their children grew in their tummies as he tries to process everything that is going on.

We remind him that he is a very special boy - he has 4 moms and 3 dads that love him and want what's best for him and he is just like Superman.

On This Day

6 years ago today I was getting settled in my condo in Seattle after moving back to the US from London.

3 years ago today Dave and I were saying goodbye to the last of our family and friends that had traveled to Seattle to celebrate our wedding.

25 months ago today Dave and I arrived in Colorado, after a long road trip from Seattle.  We knew when we left Seattle we would be starting the adoption process shortly.

1 year ago today I was in the Emergency Room in  NYC after I had an anxiety attack that I thought was a heart attack.

10 months ago today we drove up a long and windy road to pick junior up from his foster family and move him in with us.

Today after 1,268 days in foster care junior is officially adopted!  This hasn't been the easiest or shortest journey but together we have reached this point.   I am not sure whether to call this the beginning or the end or just another stop along the way.

For privacy reasons I will continue to refer to him as Jr here.

  I was touched when after many discussions about his middle name he decided he wanted to have the same name as my father.  To me his name represents his birth mom, my family and Dave's family.

Making Progress Towards Finalization

There is so much to do before we finalize the adoption but we crossed the final barriers today.   We had to be re-fingerprinted in case we have suddenly appeared on the FBI's most wanted list in the past 9 months and we had our subsidy hearing.

I wasn't even aware that there is an ongoing subsidy.  The hearing was to negotiate and determine how much assistance we would get for long term support for Junior's needs.  Some foster kids get classified as Title IV-E which is a federal program, not all foster kids are eligible for this.  One major benefit of this classification is the ability for tuition assistance at a number of colleges should Junior decide to go.  I was really hoping for this and we did end up in this program.  

When asked what we need ongoing assistance with we stated continued therapy, education and respite care.  I thought the respite care would be tricky but I was honestly surprised when we were given a monthly stipend for respite care on a monthly basis.  It is use it or lose it and we need to provide documentation for reimbursement but this is huge.   There is no restriction on how the money can be used if we want to pay a baby sitter for a date night, or a gift card for a friend that watches junior overnight, or if a grandparent wants to take junior golfing for an afternoon all of this can be covered  with our respite stipend.  We will get all the paperwork after finalization.

Overall I was very pleased with the way the meeting went.  Now we just have to wait until August 6th.  You have to wait 120 hours after the subsidy hearing occurs to finalize an adoption and with Dave travelling back and forth between Denver and Seattle we have to wait until his next trip back to Denver.  

The other big decision that was made today is we finally have agreed upon a middle name for Junior.  We told him he could keep his middle name or change it.  This has resulted in him suggesting all kinds of strange names like Cubby or Zebra.   We vetoed those and have reached a decision that we are all very happy with.