The triad in adoption is composed of the child, the birth parents and the adoptive parents. Whether the adoption is open or closed, whether the child lived with the birth parents for part of their life or was placed with the adoptive parents at birth - the birth family is an integral part of any adoption.
While we have no contact with birth mom we talk about her on a regular basis and always in a positive manner. There are pictures of her in the house, we talk about her at holidays and whenever junior mentions her. We answer questions in a way that he can understand and process. I imagine that as he gets older the conversations and questions will change. What won't change is the attitude in which we answer the questions and provide information.
We will provide the facts as we know them. We don't know everything but what we do know is that his birth mother loved him very much and did the best she could, but sometimes that isn't enough. We know to never speak in a negative manner about her and to let him know it is OK to think about and talk about her. This isn't a case of us against her and he can never think that.
It is next to impossible to predict when questions will arise. For me they always seem to come out of the blue and most often when we are driving or right before bed. The bedtime I understand, the car I don't but it is not my job to figure out why, only to respond in a consistent manner.
I am more than OK sharing a space in his heart with his birth mom. We both love him fiercely and want what is best for him. This isn't a contest as to who he loves more, if it becomes a contest we will all lose.
Monday, November 2, 2015
Sunday, November 1, 2015
Adoption ABCs: A is for Attachment
In honor of National Adoption Month I plan on starting and hopefully completing the ABCs of Adoption blog series. There are 30 days in the month and 26 letters in the alphabet, that should get me enough time.
I know that adoption starts with A but that is too obvious. For me attachment is the bigger A word in adoption. Attachment is defined as the ability to form a connection with another individual of significance. Attachment is not a given, it takes time and in some instances it doesn't occur.
Whether attachment occurs is probably the biggest worry of adoptive parents no matter which form of adoption the child comes to a family through. The concern goes both ways "Will I be able to attach to my child" and "Will my child attach to us." If there are already children in the home, whether biological or adoptive, questions on whether the children will attach and bond to each other may also be raised.
Many children from trauma backgrounds get diagnosed with attachment disorders, which can be a very scary situation. They are averse to touch of any kind, avoid eye contact, or will seem to form bonds with complete strangers instead of their primary caregiver. After years of abuse and neglect children can build barriers to protect themselves and learn not to trust. Children may also feel a sense of loyalty to their birth parents which prevents them from forming an attachment.
We have been fortunate in that junior has formed an attachment to us. We openly talk about his birth mom and encourage him to do so. We let him decide what to call us and the day he decided we were mom and dad was a very memorable day.
However we do still hear on occasion
"You're not my real mom."
"I want to be un-adopted."
"I didn't choose you."
"I miss my mommy."
"You're the worst family ever."
Does this mean he hasn't attached to us - no. Does it still sting - yes. At some point after these outbursts he comes to us for hugs and cuddles, apologizing saying he didn't really mean the things he said. Attachment during adoption can be a lifelong issue or for some families it may not be an issue at all.
Resources regarding attachment in adoption
I know that adoption starts with A but that is too obvious. For me attachment is the bigger A word in adoption. Attachment is defined as the ability to form a connection with another individual of significance. Attachment is not a given, it takes time and in some instances it doesn't occur.
Whether attachment occurs is probably the biggest worry of adoptive parents no matter which form of adoption the child comes to a family through. The concern goes both ways "Will I be able to attach to my child" and "Will my child attach to us." If there are already children in the home, whether biological or adoptive, questions on whether the children will attach and bond to each other may also be raised.
Many children from trauma backgrounds get diagnosed with attachment disorders, which can be a very scary situation. They are averse to touch of any kind, avoid eye contact, or will seem to form bonds with complete strangers instead of their primary caregiver. After years of abuse and neglect children can build barriers to protect themselves and learn not to trust. Children may also feel a sense of loyalty to their birth parents which prevents them from forming an attachment.
We have been fortunate in that junior has formed an attachment to us. We openly talk about his birth mom and encourage him to do so. We let him decide what to call us and the day he decided we were mom and dad was a very memorable day.
However we do still hear on occasion
"You're not my real mom."
"I want to be un-adopted."
"I didn't choose you."
"I miss my mommy."
"You're the worst family ever."
Does this mean he hasn't attached to us - no. Does it still sting - yes. At some point after these outbursts he comes to us for hugs and cuddles, apologizing saying he didn't really mean the things he said. Attachment during adoption can be a lifelong issue or for some families it may not be an issue at all.
Resources regarding attachment in adoption
- Support groups
- Therapists specializing in attachment
- The Connected Child
- Attaching in Adoption
Thursday, October 29, 2015
The Dark Side
There is a dark side to adoption that I talk about at times
but not often. We are currently
experiencing one of those periods and are feeling deflated and thinking that
moving was the worse thing we could have done for junior. As a parent that is a horrible feeling to
have. We want to help him but just don’t
know how.
School has become a major trigger for Jr and a nightmare for
us. He has a diagnosis of PTSD and in
all environments except his current school he is fine. For some reason school is triggering him and
he is deteriorating. We have come to the decision that we can’t
continue to send him to school as he isn’t safe there. I don’t know what we are going to do but
when I got the call today that he ran out of the school and almost got hit by a
car we knew that there is no way we can send him back there.
First I want to say that I don’t fault the staff at the
school, they have been very supportive but there have been extenuating
circumstances in his classroom – within 6 weeks he has had 3 different
teachers.
PTSD isn’t the worst diagnosis in the world but there is no
easy cure for it. Not that there is an
easy cure for other diagnoses. I am so
thankful we have a support system in place to help us navigate this but that
doesn’t make it easier if he doesn’t talk about what is happening. I am so thankful that he shows remorse and
trusts new adults that have entered his life with the move, like his new counselor
and our new nanny. He is sharing
information with them and us which is huge but it hasn’t lead to an answer for
any of us. We have a pediatrician that
specializes in adoption and when I called them today to get an appointment they
found a time earlier than what was originally suggested by the front desk and
at the asked what they can do to support us in the next week before his
appointment.
I was travelling for work this week which isn’t unusual but
it does make it so much harder. When my
manager heard what was happening she asked me why I hadn’t gone home
immediately. And no the behaviors aren’t
occurring just because I was gone –it started last week. We have hired a fabulous nanny/family
assistant and junior has bonded with her and she has been a savior this
week. I hope she isn’t scared off by
this turn of events.
We knew that moving wasn’t going to be easy, it is just
horrible to feel like this is the worst decision we could have made. Yes it is what is best for our family in the
long term and I know that, yet I can’t stop that little voice in my head that
is telling me if we stayed in Colorado he would be better. Many people we talked to said that the move
might be really good for junior as it gave him a fresh start – little did we
know we were walking into a land mine at school.
I don’t know where we go from here – home schooling, private
school, or something else.
Monday, October 5, 2015
In the blink of an eye
It is hard to believe that 1 year ago today we headed up a mountain, packed up three cars and came home with junior. Life as we knew it would never be the same, and I love it. Before we got in the car he asked us what he should call us, we told him that he could call us whatever he was comfortable. On the drive down he was talking non-stop, telling stories and he said something about mom. I didn't respond and he then tells me "I said mom and you didn't answer." Uh-oh, I thought I just blew it. I didn't hear him call me mom for about 2 months after that. Luckily he didn't hold that against me forever.
The last year has not been easy and there were times along the way that I wasn't sure we had made the right decision and if we would make it. Thanks to an amazing team of people, our therapists, social workers, GAL, teachers & aides, and the support and encouragement from our family and friends we did.
When we have setbacks at school or he almost got kicked out of camp it is hard to not focus on the negatives; I just have to keep remembering the progress he has made. Hearing from a previous foster mom that he looks happier than she has ever seen him, or having a friend tell me how nice it is that he now plays on his own instead of having to be constantly entertained remind me that we have come a long way.
This last week hasn't been an easy one, I realized that not only is it the anniversary of his becoming part of our family and his birthday, this also marks the 2 year mark since he last saw his birth mom. Even though we don't talk about the anniversaries it seems he instinctively know. There have been a lot of questions lately about his birth mom, tears over how unfair life is, and questions to other moms about whether their children grew in their tummies as he tries to process everything that is going on.
We remind him that he is a very special boy - he has 4 moms and 3 dads that love him and want what's best for him and he is just like Superman.
The last year has not been easy and there were times along the way that I wasn't sure we had made the right decision and if we would make it. Thanks to an amazing team of people, our therapists, social workers, GAL, teachers & aides, and the support and encouragement from our family and friends we did.
When we have setbacks at school or he almost got kicked out of camp it is hard to not focus on the negatives; I just have to keep remembering the progress he has made. Hearing from a previous foster mom that he looks happier than she has ever seen him, or having a friend tell me how nice it is that he now plays on his own instead of having to be constantly entertained remind me that we have come a long way.
This last week hasn't been an easy one, I realized that not only is it the anniversary of his becoming part of our family and his birthday, this also marks the 2 year mark since he last saw his birth mom. Even though we don't talk about the anniversaries it seems he instinctively know. There have been a lot of questions lately about his birth mom, tears over how unfair life is, and questions to other moms about whether their children grew in their tummies as he tries to process everything that is going on.
We remind him that he is a very special boy - he has 4 moms and 3 dads that love him and want what's best for him and he is just like Superman.
Thursday, August 6, 2015
On This Day
6 years ago today I was getting settled in my condo in Seattle after moving back to the US from London.
3 years ago today Dave and I were saying goodbye to the last of our family and friends that had traveled to Seattle to celebrate our wedding.
25 months ago today Dave and I arrived in Colorado, after a long road trip from Seattle. We knew when we left Seattle we would be starting the adoption process shortly.
1 year ago today I was in the Emergency Room in NYC after I had an anxiety attack that I thought was a heart attack.
10 months ago today we drove up a long and windy road to pick junior up from his foster family and move him in with us.
Today after 1,268 days in foster care junior is officially adopted! This hasn't been the easiest or shortest journey but together we have reached this point. I am not sure whether to call this the beginning or the end or just another stop along the way.
For privacy reasons I will continue to refer to him as Jr here.
I was touched when after many discussions about his middle name he decided he wanted to have the same name as my father. To me his name represents his birth mom, my family and Dave's family.
3 years ago today Dave and I were saying goodbye to the last of our family and friends that had traveled to Seattle to celebrate our wedding.
25 months ago today Dave and I arrived in Colorado, after a long road trip from Seattle. We knew when we left Seattle we would be starting the adoption process shortly.
1 year ago today I was in the Emergency Room in NYC after I had an anxiety attack that I thought was a heart attack.
10 months ago today we drove up a long and windy road to pick junior up from his foster family and move him in with us.
Today after 1,268 days in foster care junior is officially adopted! This hasn't been the easiest or shortest journey but together we have reached this point. I am not sure whether to call this the beginning or the end or just another stop along the way.
For privacy reasons I will continue to refer to him as Jr here.
Tuesday, July 14, 2015
Making Progress Towards Finalization
There is so much to do before we finalize the adoption but we crossed the final barriers today. We had to be re-fingerprinted in case we have suddenly appeared on the FBI's most wanted list in the past 9 months and we had our subsidy hearing.
I wasn't even aware that there is an ongoing subsidy. The hearing was to negotiate and determine how much assistance we would get for long term support for Junior's needs. Some foster kids get classified as Title IV-E which is a federal program, not all foster kids are eligible for this. One major benefit of this classification is the ability for tuition assistance at a number of colleges should Junior decide to go. I was really hoping for this and we did end up in this program.
When asked what we need ongoing assistance with we stated continued therapy, education and respite care. I thought the respite care would be tricky but I was honestly surprised when we were given a monthly stipend for respite care on a monthly basis. It is use it or lose it and we need to provide documentation for reimbursement but this is huge. There is no restriction on how the money can be used if we want to pay a baby sitter for a date night, or a gift card for a friend that watches junior overnight, or if a grandparent wants to take junior golfing for an afternoon all of this can be covered with our respite stipend. We will get all the paperwork after finalization.
Overall I was very pleased with the way the meeting went. Now we just have to wait until August 6th. You have to wait 120 hours after the subsidy hearing occurs to finalize an adoption and with Dave travelling back and forth between Denver and Seattle we have to wait until his next trip back to Denver.
The other big decision that was made today is we finally have agreed upon a middle name for Junior. We told him he could keep his middle name or change it. This has resulted in him suggesting all kinds of strange names like Cubby or Zebra. We vetoed those and have reached a decision that we are all very happy with.
I wasn't even aware that there is an ongoing subsidy. The hearing was to negotiate and determine how much assistance we would get for long term support for Junior's needs. Some foster kids get classified as Title IV-E which is a federal program, not all foster kids are eligible for this. One major benefit of this classification is the ability for tuition assistance at a number of colleges should Junior decide to go. I was really hoping for this and we did end up in this program.
When asked what we need ongoing assistance with we stated continued therapy, education and respite care. I thought the respite care would be tricky but I was honestly surprised when we were given a monthly stipend for respite care on a monthly basis. It is use it or lose it and we need to provide documentation for reimbursement but this is huge. There is no restriction on how the money can be used if we want to pay a baby sitter for a date night, or a gift card for a friend that watches junior overnight, or if a grandparent wants to take junior golfing for an afternoon all of this can be covered with our respite stipend. We will get all the paperwork after finalization.
Overall I was very pleased with the way the meeting went. Now we just have to wait until August 6th. You have to wait 120 hours after the subsidy hearing occurs to finalize an adoption and with Dave travelling back and forth between Denver and Seattle we have to wait until his next trip back to Denver.
The other big decision that was made today is we finally have agreed upon a middle name for Junior. We told him he could keep his middle name or change it. This has resulted in him suggesting all kinds of strange names like Cubby or Zebra. We vetoed those and have reached a decision that we are all very happy with.
Friday, June 5, 2015
400th Post
What a milestone! In some way it is hard to believe that I have managed to come up with that many unique things to say. But then again this blog has served multiple purposes and has been in existence for 7.5 years.
I've tried to think of something monumental to write about for this post but then life happened and came up with something for me. This blog has seen me through multiple moves London to Seattle to Denver and now another move is on the horizon for us. Back to Seattle.
After only 2 short years in Denver it is sad to be leaving but after some long hard discussions we have come to the decision that this is what is best for our family.
I have never had some grand master plan for my life. I take opportunities as they have been presented to me and every decision I have made has brought me to where I am today. I believe that if I had taken a different path in the past my life today would be very different.
I've tried to think of something monumental to write about for this post but then life happened and came up with something for me. This blog has seen me through multiple moves London to Seattle to Denver and now another move is on the horizon for us. Back to Seattle.
After only 2 short years in Denver it is sad to be leaving but after some long hard discussions we have come to the decision that this is what is best for our family.
I have never had some grand master plan for my life. I take opportunities as they have been presented to me and every decision I have made has brought me to where I am today. I believe that if I had taken a different path in the past my life today would be very different.
- If I stayed teaching in NY instead of moving to Boston I wouldn't have had an amazing career that would move me to London and then Seattle. Not to mention the great friends I have made along the way.
- If I hadn't agreed to a blind date I wouldn't have met Dave and gone on many adventures with him.
- And finally if we hadn't moved to Denver we wouldn't have junior. I whole heartedly believe that we were meant to move to Denver to find Junior and make him a part of our family.
We are all excited to be moving and starting this next chapter in our lives. We will be finalizing the adoption before we move and will be making a fresh start in Seattle. Tonight junior made a comment that this is the first time he will be moving as a family. Previously all of his moves have been him leaving a family, this time and every time from now on he moves with his entire family.
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